Meciless the Epilogue
by Aggie Escott
Summary: Four team members express their feelings after recent events


**Merciless (the Epilogue)  
Psych Eval – excerpts **

"_**I told my **__**psychiatrist**__** that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.**__**" – Rodney Dangerfield**_

**  
Prentiss  
**I know office romances rarely work, but Hotch is different.

_In what way?_

He's shows such a strong impermeable exterior, but in reality he's vulnerable. No one watches out for him. He needs someone to do that for him.

_And that someone is you?_

I would love it to be, but I don't think he will give me another chance to hurt him after what I did to him. I told him that he was too intense, but really that is what is so beautiful about him – his intensity, his compassion. That is what makes him the man he is.

_Are you in love with him?_

I love him, but that's not the same, is it. I don't feel a crushing desire whenever I see him, but I have a soft warmth inside. I don't know if that's love though. Is it? Am I in love with him? No. Do I love him? Yes, I think so.

_What about when he shows his vulnerability? How do you feel then?_

I feel a need to protect him. You see, he watches over the team, and there is no doubt in my mind that he would die for any one of us. That is when I feel the crushing desire; when he is vulnerable, when he is in need. Sometimes when I see the haunted look in his eyes, I just want to put my arms around him and hold him. He hides the look, but sometimes I see it, and it makes me want to cry.

I can label feelings, pigeon hole them, and analyse them, love, hate, desire, but recognising them in myself, well that's a different matter. I wasn't taught to do that. Push personal feelings aside – compartmentalise – that's what I was taught. It leaves me without the mechanism for dealing with the feelings like love.

_How do you think you are doing, dealing with your feelings for Agent Hotchner?_

Very badly. I think I have ruined any chance I might have had. He said that he loved me. He didn't need me though. Not then anyway. He had been through a very bad time – I expect he will tell you what happened to him – and when he needed me, I felt what I believe was real love. But later when he was physically better, he didn't need me, I felt suffocated by him.

_You say when he was physically better. Why do you make that distinction?_

What he went through would have hurt him deeply, and mentally he probably still had a need. But I have difficulty relating to that. I'm not very good at words. That's what he needed, someone to understand how he felt without having to explain everything. Someone like David Rossi would have been better for him in that situation. Not me. I am too hard.

_Do you think that puts you at a disadvantage?_

Not in my work, I don't think so. But in my personal life, yes. I can relate to a gun shot wound or broken leg, and fill a need. But innermost feelings? No. I never learned.

**Reid  
**At first I didn't think it would affect my work, being in love with someone who couldn't love me back.

_And that has changed?_

Yes. I can't stop thinking about him. He is my every thought. I know nothing will ever come of my love for him. But I can't help it. And it affects the way I do my work.

_Can you give me an example?_

In the last case, I took a bullet that was meant for him. I know, that is what we do in the BAU, but I didn't think about it, I just did it. We cannot work like that. We have to think through what we do. I don't mean hesitate, just think. This is difficult to put into words. But I would gladly die in his place.

_Do you not think that makes you better at your field work? _

Not always. I don't know, but I am sure that I would put his safety above that of the others. And that is unacceptable.

_So what do you think the answer is?_

/grins/ That's why I'm here talking to you.  
I have gone over and over it in my mind. I know that if anything happened to him, I would die. I wouldn't be able to carry on living. He knows that, and I hope that he will be able to help me temper my love for him with common sense. I shouldn't put this burden on him, but he's the only one who can help me.

_And does he help you?_

Yes. He knows that I love him, and he accepts that. He has told me in the kindest way that he can never return the love, but he takes it into account when he deals with me. The trouble is, it just makes me want him more. It tears me apart, it really does. This is going to sound really daft.......

_Tell me Spencer, don't hold back._

It sounds daft, but all the time he is free, I think he could possibly change his mind and come to me. Although my head tells me it won't happen, my heart hopes that it will. I told you it was daft!

_It's not daft, but how would you feel if he formed a relationship with a woman?_

I think I could handle that. I couldn't compete there. If he prefers women, then that's that. No chance for me. But if he started a relationship with a man, my heart would break. Sorry that sounds a bit melodramatic. But that's how I feel.

_Do you think that you have a rival?_

Well, he has an on/off relationship with Agent Prentiss. I can handle that. But he is awfully close to Agent Rossi. I would have to leave the BAU if anything came of that. I couldn't take it. But I want him to be happy. Since his marriage broke up, he has had a sad look about him. I just wish i could be the one to take it away. But if I'm not, I would rather die than get in the way of his happiness. That's how deep my love for him goes.

**Rossi  
**When I came back to the Unit, it was to work on an old case. It had haunted me for twenty years, and this was my chance to solve it once and for all.

_It was Agent Hotchner who contacted you, am I right?_

Yes. And at first I thought I'd made a terrible mistake. i couldn't get my head around the team thing. But Hotch put me right, and we have got on ever since. We worked together years ago, you see, and he was my 'pupil'. It was gratifying to see how far he had come. I was proud of him, especially when he had to put me right.

_So his counsel didn't turn you away from him?_

No. On the contrary, it drew me closer to him.

_What about now?_

Now? You mean our relationship? I would say we are as close friends as it is possible to be. I admire the way he anchors the team, but I do worry about him. I can go home to my place and relax. I don't think he can though, and that concerns me. I am afraid that he could burn out if he doesn't have some relief.

_Do you think that could come from you as a close friend?_

I do try. We often have an evening together and have a drink or two so that he unwinds. But I don't think he is capable of doing that on his own. I need company – hence three attempts at marriage – and so does he. But I don't think he realises it. I hope that my friendship with him can help him in this.

_How do you do that?_

I listen to him. He speaks a lot about his marriage. Although I have three marriages behind me, I have no children. I listen to him when he pours out his heart. Sometimes he cries, and I'm glad to be there. It's not always like that though. Sometimes we laugh so much it hurts. I like those times.

_Do you think it helps you at all?_

Yes. Like I said, I need company. I'd hate to be alone all the time and being with him fulfils that need. We help each other. He has told me things about his marriage that he has not told anyone else. I promised not to write a book about it! /laughs/  
He trusts me, and I trust him. That's a great thing to base a friendship on. I love him deeply – platonically of course – and I am happy to work as one of his team.

_Do you want his job? Do you have that ambition?_

No, I don't I have had his job by default a few times – in the last two cases where he was abducted. I hated it. It's not my job, it's his. He is the one with the leadership qualities, not me.

**Hotchner  
**The last two cases have been especially difficult. I'm not sure how I would have coped without the team.

_Tell me about the cases._

I was um..... abused, beaten and tortured, and both times my team came through for me, Rossi leading them. I think sometimes I ought to step down and give place to Rossi, but we've talked about it. He says he doesn't want my job. He's a good friend. We came together by default, I think, but now we have a bond that's unbreakable.

_Love?_

Love as in _philia. _Love for a brother. He is closer to me than my real brother. When it comes to love though, I am totally out of my depth.

_Tell me._

When I broke with my wife, I felt that I was broken. Then I fell in love with a woman on my team. I really thought that she was the one, but she couldn't cope with me. She said I was too 'intense' to use her word. It devastated me. Then when I was abducted and tortured, she said that she loved me again. I can't take that. I want, need someone who will help stabilise me, not upset me over again. There's no future in our relationship. I hope she understands. I need to safeguard my heart, not throw it around. It was broken once by my wife. I can't let that happen again.  
Then there's Reid.

_Reid?_

I know he loves me, his love is pure and without motive. He would give me everything, I know that. He as good as died for me in the last case. It broke my heart (here I go again, going on about my heart)....

_That is because you feel vulnerable, Aaron. Tell me more about you and Reid._

Well, it broke my heart and my will when I saw him die in front of me. I could have prevented it, but it would have meant violating him, and I couldn't do that. I said 'you will have to kill him then' and he did. I still don't know if I was right. When I am alone and think of what he went through because he loves me, the guilt rips into me. I'm not worthy of him. He is too selfless. I wish he could find someone who will love him back in that way that he wants.

_Would his feelings for you stop you from having a relationship?_

It would make me think twice. In a way I am glad that Prentiss and I didn't work out. I could never hurt Spencer, and I think it would hurt him if I found love elsewhere. I'm certain that he would stand back and set me free if it came to that. He is that selfless. But I'm not ready for a woman in my life. Prentiss was a mistake.  
But who knows what the future will bring?

_What do you hope it will bring?_

In a perfect world? Spencer will find someone who will love him unconditionally, like he does me. I just want him to be happy, and I know the person to do that isn't me.


End file.
